Hi,
I'm 47, bipolar and always depressed. Some events in the past few years have made everything worse. Cancer 2003-04, brother was murdered May 2007, cancer 2008, my only child died Sept 2008, and now my cancer has metastasized to the bones and possibly the brain.

My son died when he drove his car head-on into another car. (Mechanical failure) Jacob was my entire life and my whole future. He left college to come home and care for me during my last cancer treatments. He was only 19 but wise beyond his years. The chemo was so bad that I kept telling him that I wanted to die. He knew the right things to say to empower me, to get me to eat one more meal, to take one more pill, to go to one more treatment, etc. In short, he kept me alive. I survived cancer (round 2). Then he died.

A couple months ago I learned that my cancer has metatasized (round 3) and I will most likely die. I've refused treatment and refused further tests. I live out-of-state so my mom and brother believe that I am fine, no cancer, because I told them so. Why? Because I want to die and I don't want them nagging me about it.

I miss my son so much that I am always in horrible pain - migrains from crying and stomach problems from not eating. I am completely alone so no one sees me crying myself to sleep. No one hears me scream in agony when I think of my son and I realize that he will never come home again.

No one sees the lumps growing all over my body and no one knows the pain that the bone cancer gives me. I have no one! All I had was my son.

Well, like I said, I want to die. It seems as though the Universe is trying to help me, ie, cancer, but its all taking too long. Everyday I wake up and question God, "Why can't I just die? Why are you keeping me here? What do I need to do to end this?" I never hear any answers.

I have no purpose in life. I am totally useless. I collect disability, pay bills, and give the rest to the hospitals. I have nothing to look forward to. I will never have grandchildren to hold or a child to help out. I can't take a vacation or even plan a shopping trip because the medical bills are so high.

I bought this farm 6 years ago. I don't work off the farm so I have no friends. When cancer hit me last year I sold off the animals. In short, no one knows me or expects me to be any place. When I do die I will lay here for weeks before anyone will find me - hopefully the mailman will wonder why I didn't bring in my mail. That will hurt my mother (thinking of me rotting away). With that in mind, a car accident isn't a bad idea but I'm a scaredy cat.

Oh, why won't my God deliver that final kiss of death? Why doesn't this cancer kill me all ready? It's the only way this pain and sorrow will ever end.

Probably, no one will see this but that's okay too. It feels better just to have it out in the open.