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Welcome to CyberPsych PenPals for Anxiety Disorders.There is no professional intervention, and it is not intended to be psychological treatment or education. |
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CyberPsych PenPals
Posted By: alone
Date: 10 September 2009, at 3:13 a.m.
( sorry for grammer and spelling mistakes)I want to be alone and have no one around. either i disappoint the people that are close or they disappoint me i just want to live in solitude wit no contact to others. i do drugs to escape they make me feel like I'm the only one here and that's what i want. my dad is an alcoholic and last night i herd a crash i found him on the floor in a puddle of vomit and blood. i almost called 911 but then i saw he just spilled his lip open i dragged him out of his vomit then started to clean it up then he start throwing up again. finally he stop i clean the best i could but then i saw it was also on the bed so i washed the sheets. i dragged him to the guest room and lifted him into the bed and thought it was over. i did some more cleaning. this start at 11pm and now it was 1am. i went to check on him and he had thrown up again and the bad aid i put on him was now off and he bleed and throw up all over the bed. i then tried to clean it up but when i went to get paper towels he fell on the floor and bleed and throw up again. i took the bed apart and put washed them too. i went back and i looked at him and my eyes started to water looking at my dad completely passed out blood coming from his lip vomit out of his mouth. i quickly came back and turn angry at what he was putting me throw. but still i love him and moved him slightly and cleaned the vomit off the carpet. i took a towel and put it under him so he would only ruin the towel. i then continued to clean. i left out i detail my step mom she was away on business and if she found out about what happen i don't know what she would do. that's why i cleaned. after i was done around 3am i sat and smoke a cigarette which i hate but i had nothing else. i herd noise and i went to see him. he was finally waking up. i helped him up and he came to his senses somewhat. i showed him what he did he apologized and i said it was fine but really i wanted to tell him i that what he put me throw is unforgivable. in the morning he had no recalculation. he came to wake me and ask why the beds were messed up and there were some stains on the carpet. i wanted to say u were drunk and compelety fucked up! but i said u got sick lst night don't u remember he said no i took half of a pain pill(vicoden) and after that i don't remember. i've take 30mg of vicoden and remembered ever detail of the night. i know he hides the bottle of vodka under his truck seat, i could get it right now and say this why i yell at u and why i never i want to just sit down and spend some time with u. u chose me over the bottle, i wish that was true but the fact of the matter is that ever day u start off great and i see my dad just for a little but then u go out to "home depot" or the "bank" or any excuse u can think of to go to the bar to take a few shots and then go buy that bottle of Smirnoff. i see my dad every day but i only see "my dad" in the morning he starts at noon.i know this long but i had to get it out. this inst even the half of it. my mom has no job and is about to be kicked out of her house i have 9 aunts and no one of them isn't addicted to something. i have 2 uncle one died in Vietnam drinking and driving a motorcycle. my other uncle has testicle cancer and now has lung cancer, two of his wife killed themselves.i have such a fucked up family i could go on and on. the worst is one of my aunts is married to a lunatic, he tried to kill her at lest 5 times that i know of. my dad watch him run a motorcycle off the road on purpose because of a bet he won and they guy wouldn't pay. they man on the motorcycle died and my uncle went to jail for a year.i just need to get all this out its all bottle up that's why i smoke and 1/8 every night. i don't want much just a small house an OK job and to be left alone by my crazy family. my grandmother throw change at a lady cus she would honer her coupon and then later in the same week tried to return beans to the wrong store and they would let her so she threw it at the lady( lucky it missed. i have a gf but i dont want her she reminds me of my family always has to have it here way never comprise. she goes to a party and has fun, and i don't care she can do what ever she wants. i go to a friends house with 3 guys just to chill and catch up( i moved recently and i hate it) i don't call her at when she out in fact i did once or twice just to ask her a quick question and she got made. but still she calls me and when i try to hangup after 10 minutes she gets piss and we end up talking for 2 hours. i dont know how to break up with her im a coward im scared of what she might do. she know i don't love her she but i convince she is wrong i don't know why. well i know i part of it she 0 friends she is a bitch and no one really likes her. no one ever calls her to hang out she calls them and then she pretty much forces them to hang with her. im and atheist and her family is hardcore Catholics. i hate Catholicism. i wen to catholic school for 13 years. they feed me bullshit after bullshit. i convinced one religion teacher that there was no Jesus. this long i know and i cant go on im so depressed.
I would kill myself but im sacred there is nothing after this and a miserable life i better than no life. or is it?
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