Dear Joan, I sympatize with how you're feeling. I've been in that state pretty much all my life. I'm 61 and was diagnosed 2 yrs ago as bi-polar and boarderline personality disorder. This, after seeing all kinds of doctors and specialists in mental disorders. I was finally lucky enough to find a doctor who cares and was actually interested in helping to find rellief if not an absolute cure for me. The meds I'm on help control a lot of the negative feelings like anger, hate, violence and being a total bitch. I've lost more friends and family because of this condition than I can count. Like you, I hate being around people. When I have to be there, I generally keep to myself and speak very little. I have 9 sisters and there's only one whom I enjoy being around. I always feel good when I'm with her, I think it's the only time I don't have bad feelings. I have a good husband and we are best friends, but for some reason I don't want to talk to him about my bad days and feelings. He's alway been there for me, but it's like if I talk to him about the bad feelings and dreams, it makes me feel bad and evil sometimes even dirty. I wish someday I could wake up and be normal. I feel empty as a used egg shell and can't seem to have any feelings of anykind. My grandchildren were here for a week and I couldn't wait for the day for them to leave, and no matter how sad a situation is, I can't cry. Crying has always been my source of relief but for the last 6 yrs I haven't been able to shed a tear. In the last two yrs a favorite nephew and brother-in-law have pasted on, and I couldn't shed a tear. They were my favorite sister's son and husband and she's coping better than I. Fortunately, her anchor is absolute faith in her religon, I wish I had a faith as strong as hers, but most of the time I'm too confused to concentrate on anything. I've lost a lot of things that I loved doing, like reading novels, crossword puzzles, crocheting, cleaning house, sex, horseshoe pitching, shopping, hanging around with my sisters, grandchildrens visits, and a lot more than I care to mention.

It sounds to me like you have a severe depression. Have you suffered a loss lately? In my research on depressions I read where trauma can play a big part in starting a depression. For some reason the mind can't always deal with reality, especialy the bad things, so it goes into neutral or protective mode 'til the storm passes. How long have you felt this way? I'm sure you've read up on depressions on the internet and I'd like to know if it helped.