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LACK OF EMOTIONS - - - alexythimia

Posted By: Mara Laping <mara_laping@hotmail.com>
Date: 5 April 2006, at 3:56 p.m.

I am suffering from LACK OF EMOTIONS. I dont cry, I dont feel nervous, I dont feel angry, I dont fall in love. I dont feel anything in my heart. I hate myself so much. I isolate myself from ppl bcoz of this problem. When my grandmother died I did not even cry. When everyone else around me is bursting into tears, even the men, and even the non-relatives cried, except for me. I was just so emotionless as if it was an everyday situation that was occuring. Nothing in my heart that I felt. I felt no pain, no nervousness, nothing. Something is terribly wrong with me and it affects my personal life. It depresses me so much. Even now that im writing this. I want to cry so bad. I want to burst into tears. But nothing comes out of my emotions. Whenever I need to cry and I do not cry, it manifests all over my body. I get dehydrated, headaches. Its all physical pain. I get taken advantage of every situation bcoz ppl think that im numb and insensitive. When my bf left me for another girl, I did not even cry. But I was so affected, mentally and psychologically that it affected my whole body. I got really dehydrated and depressed (but i did not cry). I was just so empty. I dont know what to do.

As a child, I was the shy introverted type without any friends at the corner of a classroom. I did not join any clubs, any groups. Whenever there'd be a field trip or a program id make an alibi to my mom that there's no school that day or that that day is not important so that I wont have to go to school on events like those. I was ultra quiet. My words were very limited and soft. But that was in school. At home I was the happy, family-oriented child. I was the youngest of 4 and I was the baby. I was very sensitive to my emotions. When someone raises a voice, Id burst into tears in a snap. My emotions were very strong.

The time came when my family became different. We were not the same old sweet and happy people. For whatever reason, it simply changed. Maybe bcoz we were growing up. My sisters had their own group of friends from school. And me, in school, I was still the same. School was hell for me. I had no one to talk to for the whole day. And break time was even worse bcoz Id look stupid on one corner of the classroom, eating alone, while everyone had their own groups. I was wishing that by next year, Id be more talkative and have friends. By next year I'll get a makeover, a new me. When I get to college, Id be popular and stuffs like those. But nothing ever changed. All my life I never had friends. My only friends are my siblings. (Im already 25). Whenver I'd go out, it would be with my siblings or with my mom. Id also join my siblings and their friends in going out. Even if I felt a little "out of place" still, I hang out with them coz I have no choice. I have no friends. I got used to the feeling of being "out of the circle" and it was normal for me. I couldnt form relationships. I was always a shool dropout bcoz I didnt go to school.

There was a time when I was still in high school my sisters were yelling at my mom and I was very pitiful to her. My mom loaned money from the bank, to invest in a million worth business but the business was a racket. My mom stuck herself up on the room just so to shut herself from any blames but my sisters still went up to her to shout at her, to kick her, and my mom was just crying and begging them to stop and saying she just wants to die. I did not see the scenario but I was hearing them from the first floor of the house. It was too mentally torturing. But then I knew that I could not do anything to stop them coz my opinions wld not matter to them. Im just me. So what I did was just to shut myself and pretend as if nothing's happening. Things like those always happened. I was shocked to myself when a scenario happened, my child cousin was throwing tantrums and he got a knife from the kitchen. He ran towards his mom and so they were running around. I was taking a bath all those times but I could hear what was happening. I could hear there was panic in the voices of the people outside. And I knew that my cousin was catching his mom with a knife. But me, I just continued taking a bath and was like very cool and calm as if nothing was going on. When I got out my brother told me that our cousin was about to stab my aunt and I was like "ya I heard" and went to my room like nothing. At first I found it cool. I thought I was just too calm and cool. But later on I realized Its more than just that. Im not anymore human. I dont have emotions anymore. I dont get angry, I dont feel nervous, I dont cry. I dont feel anything in my chest or in my heart. I dont fall in love anymore like normal people.

I had a boyfriend bcoz I wanted to.. not bcoz I fell in love. I had him at age 19. I isolated myself from him. I put a barrier between us. We were together for slightly more than a year but evrything only seemed like 3 weeks, or even less. We'd only seen each other once a month. He wanted to meet my family but I was always afraid. I was afraid for him to find out the real me, an emotionless me. I was afraid that he'll be with me during a situation that I need to react but id still have flat affect, expressionless. I was even afraid that when anyone of my family dies right in front of me and everyone, even the maids cry, and me, as still as a stone. I was afraid to let him know that I had no emotions. I would accept to myself if im depressed, which i am. i wake up each day feeling very very empty. What i cant accept is this emotionless state of mine. Sometimes when a sad situation happens and my heart would not feel anything, Id self-mutilate to feel some pain. Not too much self-mutilation. Im not suicidal. Just to prick myself. Sometimes Id even punch my chest as if triggering my emotions but nothing happens. If anyone can relate to me, please email mara_laping@hotmail.com

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